Motherhood is a roller coaster, and if I'm being honest, I haven't always enjoyed it...
In my twenties, I never really had this strong desire to be a mom like a lot of women do. Maybe I was too young at the time, or maybe it just wasn't where I pictured my life going...
Not sure. But this feeling continued into my early thirties and I began thinking being a mom just "wasn't in the cards for me."
When I was in my mid-thirties, this feeling began to change. I had met my now husband and I knew if I didn't have a child I would regret it - even if that meant only one.
When I was 34 we started trying for our first child. It wasn't as easy as I expected - I remember every month I'd wait for my menstrual cycle to come (hoping it wouldn't) and when it did, I would cry in the bathroom for a good 30 minutes. I remember thinking of all those years I prayed for my period to come, and here I was wishing for it to go away for awhile.
Finally after a year of trying to conceive, I got pregnant, only to miscarry about 6 weeks later. I went back to feeling like maybe it wasn't in the cards for me - maybe I was too old, or maybe I just wasn't meant to be a mother.
For my 35th birthday my husband and I went to Costa Rica. It was there that I was finally able to forget about trying to get pregnant and just let go of everything. We had the best time. We even got engaged....
When we came home, after over a year of being consumed by trying to get conceive, I finally felt like myself again. I stopped thinking about it and I just let things be. I let myself be.
Three days later...you guessed it, I got pregnant.
I was both elated and terrified at the same time. I spent most of my pregnancy consumed by anxiety - fearing I was going to lose this baby too. It was paralyzing.
On April 6, 2018, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and my (and my husband's) worlds changed - it's incredible how your life changes in a split second and how you go from caring for yourself, to wanting to do everything you possibly can to protect this new, tiny human.
This consumed me my first year postpartum - I wanted to do everything I could to protect her and I wanted to do everything I could to keep her the happiest and healthiest baby ever. When in reality, this was impossible.
I wanted to control everything, while at the same time, I felt like I was losing control of everything - I was depressed, depleted, fighting with my husband a majority of the time, and let's not forget f*cking exhausted.
I wasn't a huge fan of breastfeeding, but felt like I had to do it. I tried to do mommy meet up groups, but never felt connected to any of the moms - they all seemed like they had everything figured out. And even more so, they all seemed happy.
I didn't feel happy. I felt lost. And I most definitely didn't have it all put together.
Little did I know, most of them felt the same way I did. But we never talked about it, we all just made fake small talk about how our baby had done this, or started doing that.
The days dragged on, and there were mornings I actually didn't even want to get out of bed - I was afraid to face another day.
Also, f*cking exhausted.
I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, or "baby blues," and decided to start seeing a therapist. She slowly helped me start feeling like myself again. But it wasn't until I reconnected with my yoga practice and started taking better care of myself when things really began to shift.
I finally felt like the roller coaster was climbing its way back up...
Even if it was just a few feet at a time.
I stopped focusing on the loss of my former self, and let go of the things I couldn't control, and started embracing motherhood as a new beginning. My new role was to be a role model for my daughter - not the perfect role model, an imperfect one who embraced all her imperfections and learned more about herself along the way.
Motherhood is messy. It's a choice you make every day to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own. Motherhood also means failing, but forgiving yourself over and over and promising you'll get up the next day and do it all over again.
I can happily say that I'm finally at a point where I absolutely adore being a mother. Every day with my daughter is a gift. It still comes with challenges, but I feel better equipped to face these challenges and I want to share what I've learned with you.
I'm launching a 6-week Program that helps new moms go from Budding to Blooming again and I'd love for you to join me.
In 6 weeks we will uncover simple self care practices you can fit in while the baby is napping. We will work on how to accept your new body after having a baby and how to incorporate little exercises into your busy schedule. We will also discuss important nutritious foods to include into your life that will help balance your hormones after giving birth. And finally, we will talk about how to maintain healthy relationships during that first year postpartum.
Spots are limited so book your FREE consultation call now and we can get started! Program starts in April!
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